Final Thoughts... Ha!

Okay, so I rarely have a final thought about anything because I'm perpetually analyzing everything. So, really, these are final thoughts for the moment, and I recognize that in a few months, or years, or even days, I might feel differently.

The last couple of weeks in Caracas were good. The kids club finished on a relatively quiet note, since we had lower numbers during the last week. We attributed this to the fact that school had dismissed for the summer, and the kids were not on such a structured schedule anymore. The team in Caracas is exploring ways to build on the relationships that were formed this summer so they can continue to be a light in the neighborhood.

On our second to last weekend in Venezuela, I went with my summer leader and the other summer intern to a Benedictine monastery. To say I enjoyed myself would not come close to how powerful the experience was for me. Having grown up Catholic, but more recently spending time in evangelical environments, it was a powerful return to the roots of my spirituality. We were invited, though not required, to attend the six or so daily prayer times with the monks. The first one was at 5:30am, following a 5am bell to wake everyone. I found that I relished those times, would arrive ten to fifteen minutes early for each one, and looked forward to the next. During the times when I wasn't praying with the monks, I enjoyed strolling the grounds (you can see some photos someone else took at http://news.webshots.com/photo/1156682204033582113ryYAmc), napping in my room, or having quiet time alone to journal and pray. I went through a few chapters of a book called "Can You Hear Me?" on listening prayer, and had some powerful experiences through that. I loved the structure of the monastery, and realized something about myself that seems kind of obvious, yet had never occurred to me before. I know that in my work life and even in my home life, that I like structure, and I work best within an existing framework. Generally I am not a person who has grand visions of how things could be, or comes up with creative ideas out of the blue, but I am creative and visionary when I am working within a structure. So if I work best within structure in other areas of my life, why wouldn't my spiritual life be more fruitful if it also reflected that part of my personality? Paradoxically, a sense of routine often offers me a sense of freedom. The time in the monastery renewed me, and I feel a desire to return to my Catholic roots. I don't yet know what exactly this will look like, and it is something I'll be exploring in the coming months.

Another revelation for me this summer also involved the theme of freedom. While structure can be liberating for me in some ways, I also sometimes use it to imprison myself. I haven't always felt the freedom in my life to try things and see what happens. Usually I want to know if something is the "right" choice before I've even done it! This has often held me back from taking risks and trying new things that could be life-giving because I stand before the doors of choice and feel paralyzed to actually decide, and then I end up staying outside, not doing anything and still feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled. I am beginning to realize for myself, finally, that God did give us a will and freedom for a purpose, and I believe he would rather have us move and take a risk than sit in fear and do nothing.

Yet another lesson for me this summer was to accept grace. I often feel like I have to earn God's approval, despite many homilies and sermons to the contrary. However, this summer I feel like I experienced the grace and love of God through the team with whom I lived and worked. While I did help with the kids club this summer, the impact of my personal contribution was probably minimal. They could have done it without me. I don't think I did anything to detract from the team's relationships in the neighborhoods, but I probably didn't do a whole lot to enhance them either. I was mostly a recipient of the love and patience of the team and their neighbors. Everyone I met was friendly and interested in what I was doing. The team members spent hours listening to me and processing with me. Their hospitality was gracious and heartfelt, though I had little to extend in return. Accepting generosity can be much harder than offering it, and a little humility on my part this summer to be in a position of receiving love and service was possibly more valuable than anything I could have offered.

I've been back in the U.S. now for about three weeks. Generally, the transition hasn't been that hard. I think this is due in great part due the fact that I've done this sort of thing before, as when I returned from Calcutta, so I'm not as shocked by the cultural adjustment, and I also know how to deal with those feelings when they do come up. A big change in coming back is that I decided to leave my job at THINK Together, where I had worked for a little over three years. Working at THINK Together was a wonderful experience, and I am grateful for all that I learned in my time there that will continue to serve me in the future. However, I have felt for awhile that I was ready to move on to something else, and being away from the job for a time gave me some freedom to make that choice. In making that decision, I recognized that this is a time when many people are struggling to find jobs, and that it seemed a bit selfish of me to turn my nose up at one I already had. However, I trust that God will provide for my needs, and I am thankful that I have some money saved, that I have a home, and that by choosing to leave my position I was providing an opportunity for someone else.

So, now what? Good question. My experience in Venezuela this summer was wonderful, but I don't feel like Venezuela is a fit for me right now. I really liked InnerCHANGE, so I would consider pursuing opportunities to join them in other places. However, I'm not sure that's what I want to do, so right now I'm open to considering many avenues. My plan for the next few months is to try to do some temp work while I spend time discerning what my next steps could look like. It's exciting to be in a place where I feel open to just about anything, and yet for a person who likes order, it's also gives me a bit of anxiety. However, for the moment I am enjoying this gift, and thanking and praising God for the incredible blessing this trip will continue to be in my life.